On Eating Disorders And The Fear Of Coming Out Of Lockdown
Lockdown has undoubtedly been a profoundly difficult time for anyone with eating disorders on many levels.
Initially, there was enormous fear as people bulk bought groceries, leaving those with eating disorders extremely anxious that they would not be able to source their ‘safe’ foods; foods that over time they have learnt to allow themselves to eat, produce the least anxiety and which they are reasonably content to consume. It is hard to imagine the terror of going shopping and not finding the brands of items that you cause you least mental distress. The panic that ensues is notable.
Hot on the heels of the worry of empty supermarket shelves and the gamble of online delivery slots, was the perhaps inevitable, forced absence of face to face professional support. Whether it was day patient or outpatient treatment, counselling sessions, therapy appointments with different specialists, nutritionists, dieticians and others, they all come together as a team to support someone in a myriad of significant ways. With much of this unavailable and some of it moved online, eating disorder sufferers have had to somehow get through each and every day very often in their own strength. Whilst Zoom and its equivalents have worked for some who have access to them and even then they’re a poor replacement for the face to face sessions, they haven’t worked for many.
The onslaught of negative news coverage day after day has contributed to an overall atmosphere and environment of fear. On top of this, for a large part of lockdown we were only allowed out once a day for exercise and at the peak of the pandemic that came with many stresses. In the early days, I heard of many people being shouted at to keep a distance whilst out for their daily exercise, others having to step into the road to avoid getting too close to others. Whilst exercising and fresh air is beneficial to the vast majority of us, for some it is their only means of keeping their mental health in balance, so the tension of needing to go out but frightened of so many other things was just another layer of angst.
Any seeming obsession with fitness in the world at large causes those with eating disorders additional tension. The frenzy in the lockdown was like nothing I have witnessed before. It was worse than the annual post Christmas lose weight campaigns. Daily, online workouts were available anywhere anytime and often free so “no excuses”. People were doing running streaks (running on consecutive days) to the point of exhaustion, social media was bombarding us with ideas of how to get fit, not waste this time we’ve suddenly been given, jokes were doing the rounds about post corona bodies, diets going wrong, endless snacking and how we have to curb our trips to the fridge, and let’s not even mention sourdough and banana bread in the midst of the craze for baking!
From a social perspective, pressure to behave in a certain way has grown as well with family Zoom calls here, Houseparty calls there, quizzes to join, courses to sign up to, new languages to learn and inner unicorns to be channelled! Our email inboxes were suddenly full of suggestions of how to use this time gainfully and ensure it wasn’t “wasted” piling pressure upon pressure. As if getting through each day wasn’t enough of a challenge for so many with eating disorders.
As the weeks went on people adapted to greater or lesser extents, developing routines that worked best for them. Perhaps we learnt to block out or unsubscribe from email lists, rationalise our news consumption, curate our social media feeds more carefully, scrolling past those more damaging messages or maybe even not looking at our phones at all for hours at a time. Perhaps we cocooned ourselves for our own safety, setting our own boundaries and limitations; refusing to engage with anything that could upset the balance we have worked so hard to create; easier said than done, mind you.
And now, we see lockdown easing. Slowly, one step at a time life is returning to some semblance of how it was before. But what will it all look like? More importantly how will it all feel? For those of us who have enjoyed the quiet and the slowing down that lockdown has brought, there is a very real fear of having to return to the frenetic pace of life as it was before. Some worry of having the same conversations about their experiences of lockdown over and over again, knowing how much they have struggled just to keep going every day. Feeling like they have nothing to contribute to the conversation. What if they end up talking to those who have ‘achieved’ so much. Those who’ve developed themselves in some ways that they can only begin to imagine or dream of. There is a very real fear of falling short.
Everyone might relate to some of those emotions some of the time to some degree. But for all of us, what sits behind these fears, underlying it all, will be the fear of being judged. However, for anyone with an eating disorder or disordered eating (different but similar in many ways), low self-esteem and poor body image, these feelings are all both multiplied and magnified. There is the fear of being eyed up and down and judged on the external. Will they notice that we’ve gained or lost a few pounds? Whilst most of us don’t do that to others, many of us have seen it done around us. Whether it’s in the shops, at the park, at work or at the school gate it’s happened. The difficulty is because we’ve seen someone do it, we assume everyone else is doing it. It is a very real fear and for some, all consuming and utterly debilitating. For a long time after, the thoughts will linger on about how we thought they looked at us and what they said and how they said it. Our minds will play tricks and we will go round in ever decreasing circles until eventually we collapse in an exhausted and anxiety ridden state.
So emerging from lockdown is genuinely frightening for many. The answer? Try to find ways of re-connecting with those you trust the most even if it means taking a brave step when you’re not feeling it. Remember how much you cherished that person before lockdown happened. They are most likely longing to see you again. Hold on tight to what you know to be true. In as much as you are able to, take it one step at a time. Some people will suddenly be thrown back into daily encounters that they don’t enjoy, much less relish. Take extra time for yourself when you are back in your safe space. Take time to process how you feel; use coping strategies that you know to be helpful and, more importantly, you enjoy. If deep breathing isn’t your bag, try painting or drawing. Or write. Or get creative in other ways. Do puzzles, listen to or play music.
Re-engage with your faith community, if you have one, or other support networks, including any professionals that you may have had contact with before this all started.
Do your thing. But whatever you do, don’t be afraid to ask for help, be kind to yourself and be kind to others.