On What New Mums Don’t Need To Hear
Assuming it’s all gone well, you’ve made a baby (doesn’t matter how), you’ve carried a baby in your belly for the best part of 9 months, you’ve given birth (doesn’t matter how) and you haven’t had a full nights’ sleep in months because you are up all through the night feeding, or at least trying to feed, and tending to an unsettled baby. You have no idea what you are doing because nothing and no one can prepare you for this new season that you are in. Your hormones are also still raging like a storm unleashed which just adds to the rich tapestry of motherhood.
You need those around to teach you, show you, help you and be patient with you as you work things out. You need understanding, support and compassion. This is as true for first time mums as it is for those adjusting to having several children under their care. We cannot underestimate the life changing event this is having a newborn.
From one day to the next, and this is especially true of first-time mums, your whole focus, all your headspace has suddenly been taken over by this tiny, helpless and beautiful child. You barely have the space or time for a cup of tea, let alone to contemplate what’s for supper on any given night.
The last thing new mums need, on top of the pressure of are we or aren’t we breastfeeding, is society banging the “pre-baby weight” drum. There are a hundred other things that are infinitely more important that require our attention, than whether we are back in our ‘old’ jeans or how long we stayed in our elasticated maternity trousers for.
It is so important that we stop talking about the advantages of breastfeeding “because it helps you lose the baby weight”. No. That is not and should not be our focus.
We know nothing about the journey someone has been on to get to this point. Consider these very real possibilities: they may have had an eating disorder and struggled every day of their pregnancy as they watch themselves grow; they may have had fertility issues and undergone endless rounds of treatment; they may be facing the prospect of putting their baby up for adoption; they may be suffering from post-natal depression or any number of other mental health conditions. These are just a few things that new mums may be contending with and if we are not extremely careful, we could see many of them slip back into, or develop, very unhealthy habits, behaviours and coping mechanism.
They do not need the pressure of society to get back in a particular size of clothes, or worse, the condemnation for not achieving it. Our bodies were designed to change with pregnancy and in childbirth. Whilst some women do seem to ‘bounce back’ soon after giving birth, the reality for many, is that their shape has changed and it may never go back to what it was. Someone may find that their weight goes down but their shape is different (hips may be wider for example) so they’re wearing a different dress size than before.
Whatever the situation, we would do well to stop obsessing about people’s appearance. Not only is it the least interesting thing about someone, but the potential damage that comments around post-natal weight and shape can have, is devasting. Regardless of how well-meaning they are. We need to stop. We need to support new mothers not beat them over the head with the stick that is society’s relentless pursuit of thinness.